Settling In

A series of small stories about placing my mother-in-law in a care home

Part 2 — The Changes We Reluctantly See

My husband has been telling himself over and over that it is stress over the changes his mother has had to make recently. I’ve been holding my tongue. I think that now she is close and we see her more often, we see a more honest picture of her physical and mental capabilities.

Let’s go back a little. Before we insisted that my MIL come into care close to where we live, my husband’s brother was the most called-upon son. He’s been there to accompany MIL to appointments, see to the daily issues of maintaining a house, and respond to emergencies, both great and small. Not that my husband has been absent. It is just that J stepped up and stepped in because he wanted to. J wanted to be the relied-upon son. My husband mostly let him.

These brothers live equidistant from their mother, only in opposite directions. My husband has a daughter that lives close to her grandmother but she is mostly uninvolved. Both she and her mother are, by differing degrees, neuro-divergent. They are, by choice, undiagnosed but clearly have challenges. This short essay is not about them so I won’t go into detail. It is just that they are part of the picture but on the periphery. While they have good relationships with my MIL, they cannot be asked to help, and that is important to know.

All my MIL’s care decisions have been left to the two brothers. With the bulk of the responsibility resting on J’s…