I Like to Think I am a Loving Person, Most of The Time…

Thank you to Dr. Gary Chapman author of The Five Languages of Love

I like to think I am a loving person most of the time. Well, conscious and thoughtful and aware of others anyway. I try to practice my listening skills and leave my assumptions at the door. Open minds are airy and full of light after all.

I was a therapist for a good length of time and often I worked to help people understand what their partners were trying to communicate. Understanding what the other person values goes a long way toward smoothing the road to a successful relationship. I also learned a lot from the people I worked with. They taught me just as much as I was trying to teach them. What I refused to learn from for a long time though, was ‘pop psychology’, like the ‘men are from one planet and women are from another’ trope. I read the books because it’s about ‘knowing your enemy’. If you don’t know what they are saying, how can you refute their premises? I was immediately aware, as I often am in books like this, of the patriarchal bias. It was as if the author couldn’t help himself. I didn’t enjoy it. Thankfully, it’s been a good many years since and we’ve progressed a little.

When my youngest daughter brought me the little book about love languages I was skeptical at best. Another pop psychology book, one that’s been published for a long time but seems to be enjoying a bit of a resurgence. “You should read this Mom!” she insisted. “It’s really good! Besides, I have to give it back soon. I only borrowed it.”

“Okay,” I said, willing to try to please her a bit. “I’ll read it.”

Right away, the patriarchal tone of this book (What, again? Still?) and its reliance on ‘biblical teachings’ and the emphasis on marriage negatively impressed me. I felt my mouth twist. I put it down and prepared to tell my daughter that I thought it was rubbish. Then I remembered that it was a short book, I could read it in one night and I felt that if I was going to be negative about her reading tastes I’d better have a very good handle on why. I love my daughter and the goal is to help her feel good about herself not tear her down. With that end in mind, I proceeded to read the book.

New York Times bestseller The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman says it will help you to make certain your partner knows you love them. It also says that you will discover what your own love language is and possibly understand why you might be feeling a little less than appreciated. Simple, right? Both people need to feel appreciated in a successful relationship, don’t they?

But relationships are a lot more complicated than that because they are inhabited by people. Every person I have ever met is a study in shades of grey. They are not simple. Learning about love languages is not going to solve every problem. But being willing to read what the noise was about and maybe to see how it might apply while my husband and I were in lockdown, an ocean apart from one another, was something to do. Even if the premise was simplistic.

I read it all and so here is a breakdown of the Five Languages of love as contained in the book and at the end, there is a surprise.

1. Words of Affirmation. This love language is full of compliments and ‘atta boys/girls’. It’s about discovering what words make your partner feel appreciated. “You are the handsomest man and I love your body”, makes my husband fairly wriggle with pleasure. As he says he’s “no bag of spanners but his lingerie model days are long over”. Nevertheless, my affirming that he is still attractive to me means the world to him. I also compliment him on other things. I go out of my way to spot things he’s done so I can tell him I appreciate it. Now, here’s the caveat: this is exceedingly hard to do when you are so angry you could fry an egg on your forehead. I’ve been there and have the egg on my face to prove it. I’ve had to decide that it was worth it to utter words of affirmation through the anger, making it real, not an act, in order to find love under the madness. That’s been very hard to do with past relationships. It’s easy to do with this man I’m married to. He’s lovely. I tell him that all the time. Me? I don’t need this so much. You can tell me nice stuff all day long and I am going to wonder what you want.

2. Quality Time. Quality time is individual. Pulling weeds together in the garden might be one couple’s idea of quality time. Going to a show, traveling, and seeing a movie together might be quality time. Just sitting and reading in the same room without talking might be someone else’s idea of quality time (mine). I like quality time sitting with my husband while we watch my favorite police procedural. (Don’t ask, it’s just something in me.) My partner indulges me with that but he isn’t as into cop shows as I am. Just sitting and watching whatever together though? That’s something we both appreciate. Here is where I wonder about the love language book. Doesn’t every couple appreciate quality time together? If they don’t, then why are they a couple?

3. Physical Touch. There are some relationships where physical touch is either not appropriate or not possible to use as a language of love. My lovely man and I were separated during the pandemic by thousands of miles for what seemed like a thousand years. Flights were canceled multiple times before I was able to fly back to him. When I finally arrived at the airport after a surreal flight in which I just didn’t believe I was actually airborne, I walked straight into his arms and he refused to let go for what seemed like an hour. He values physical touch as a love language. I think I might have been born that way but it was mostly extinguished by my mother. My mother did not value physical touch as a love language, specifically for me. I can’t count how many times she shrugged me off and then went to hug my brothers. I learned the hard lesson that physical touch was not a way I was going to get loved. Except perhaps inappropriately. Oh, don’t worry. My lovely man and I have a good relationship and since I know he values physicality and I love him, we do that for each other. It just isn’t the primary way to make me feel loved.

4. Acts of Service. This is where it got a bit sticky for me. Acts of Service? Just DO for me, baby! Ugh. Then as I was reading I realized that for me the performance of an ‘act of service’ means LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and my lovely man does this, daily, without effort as if it’s nothing much. He brings me breakfast in bed every morning of the world — except on Sundays when I make pancakes. He empties the garbage without being asked. He irons all his own shirts and sometimes one or two of mine because he knows I hate ironing. He cleans up when I make a mess in the kitchen cooking his favorite meal. He just does these things without comment, without fanfare, without pointing out all his good deeds, without expectation of words of affirmation. I knew this about him early on in our relationship.

He made me peanut butter sandwiches with carrot sticks for my lunch at work,

allowing me to experience paroxysms of delight as I ate them, sometimes early because I couldn’t wait for the pleasure, an ear-splitting grin permanently etched on my face. When I thanked him profusely for these lunchtime joys he was puzzled. “What kind of a man would I be if I made lunch for me and not for you?” What he didn’t know was that he was the first person ever to make me lunch just because he wanted me to be happy. See? See why I love him?

5. Gift Giving. My lovely man has a habit of searching out small gifts of not very great cost which he then puts away for the appropriate person on their day. I’m not very good at this sort of thing. I even forget people’s birthdays. When I send a card it’s always Happy Belated…whatever. He remembers, always and I appreciate that about him. I always try to have the appropriate card for him because he likes that and it makes him feel loved. This is a big effort on my part because it is not natural for me. He’s also told me he wants me to make a waistcoat for him, that this act of service with the resulting gift will make him feel loved. He isn’t above making his needs known. He isn’t shy. I’ll happily do this for him because his happiness is as important as mine. I don’t really care that much about gifts. I always appreciate them but I don’t miss them. I don’t need a lot of tangibles from someone to feel loved. I’d rather provide what I want for myself, that way I know what I am getting and I know it’s something I want. It’s one way I can love myself. My husband still gives me his sought-out gifts because he gets real pleasure out of that activity. I would not want him to feel deprived.

This is the end of the short description, personalized, of the five languages of love. The surprise is that I found something in the little book to ponder and in which to see value for us. I even did what is suggested and we took the quizzes to find out which Love Language was most valued by us both. There were no surprises there. Then I had a conversation with my husband about what it might all mean. “We don’t need a book like this, you know,” he said to me. I might have looked expectant. “Because we talk to one another and I like to think we also listen.”

There, now you have a handle on why I married him.